So, this is one of those times that life is not as cookie cutter as you would like. In an ironic twist, the universe gives you everything you need, everything you want, but in a slightly different way than you expected, in a way that makes it harder for you to be sure about what to do with this gift. Let me explain: for the past several years now, I have been looking forward to meeting someone who gets me, who sees my heart and respects it, protects it, my best friend, my partner, father of my children...now, all of a sudden, in a matter of months, I have met this person, this love, and no mistake I have never felt this loved, but I am having the hardest time not losing myself in this new life. I feel very fortunate to have gotten this far, to have suspended judgement and let myself get to know him. His heart is beautiful, he is talented, humble, kind, polite, tolerant and patient, and he makes me smile in so many ways. He would be a wonderful father, and he is already committed to our relationship. But we started out in different circles, and admittedly I probably adapt to his more than he adapts to mine. On top of that, I find my small New Zealand circle tightening, as my friendships had not been cemented before I started spending so much time with him. A best friend from home has stopped speaking to me over a decision that favored him early in our relationship. I have passed up social opportunities to be with him, hanging out with his friends instead. As a result, when I am not with him, I feel lonely and anxious, two things that can kill any relationship. He in no way discourages my being with my friends, I have just been choosing to spend time with him. I want to shout "Cut me some slack, guys, I am a girl newly in love! Don't you remember how that was for you?!" But I think they just see me as self-absorbed and uninteresting. Now this is where I need some advice, and I ask that it be seriously thought out before it is given. Many would rush to say that this is unhealthy, that it will never work long term, and I myself wonder if I concede too much. But don't many friendships change when two people pair off to mate, to start families? It is not him, her, and the neighborhood, it's just him and her (or him and him, her and her). Should I let this bother me? Should my "friends" be so judgmental themselves? This person has become such a part of my life in a short period of time--all I know is that I would never want to hurt him by exposing him to such judgement... Today this was really bothering me, and he knew something was wrong, but he didn't push me to speak--he left the conversation open and gave me a long hug, kissed me, and told me I was his best friend, that I could tell him anything anytime. And this is where the universe has just given me the gift I have been asking for, someone who knows me, someone who truly loves me...Maybe I am just looking for permission to tell the rest of the world to bugger off, maybe I am scared I have got it all wrong, but I haven't felt this way many times in my life, like I would take a bullet for him, and it is hard to say that it is a mistake. If I give this up for the gift in the more nicely wrapped package, well, we all know how that has gone in the past...besides not good karma to resist the universe...turn down a gift and it may not be given again...Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Comments? Suggestions? Peace...
