So, this is one of those times that life is not as cookie cutter as you would like. In an ironic twist, the universe gives you everything you need, everything you want, but in a slightly different way than you expected, in a way that makes it harder for you to be sure about what to do with this gift. Let me explain: for the past several years now, I have been looking forward to meeting someone who gets me, who sees my heart and respects it, protects it, my best friend, my partner, father of my children...now, all of a sudden, in a matter of months, I have met this person, this love, and no mistake I have never felt this loved, but I am having the hardest time not losing myself in this new life. I feel very fortunate to have gotten this far, to have suspended judgement and let myself get to know him. His heart is beautiful, he is talented, humble, kind, polite, tolerant and patient, and he makes me smile in so many ways. He would be a wonderful father, and he is already committed to our relationship. But we started out in different circles, and admittedly I probably adapt to his more than he adapts to mine. On top of that, I find my small New Zealand circle tightening, as my friendships had not been cemented before I started spending so much time with him. A best friend from home has stopped speaking to me over a decision that favored him early in our relationship. I have passed up social opportunities to be with him, hanging out with his friends instead. As a result, when I am not with him, I feel lonely and anxious, two things that can kill any relationship. He in no way discourages my being with my friends, I have just been choosing to spend time with him. I want to shout "Cut me some slack, guys, I am a girl newly in love! Don't you remember how that was for you?!" But I think they just see me as self-absorbed and uninteresting. Now this is where I need some advice, and I ask that it be seriously thought out before it is given. Many would rush to say that this is unhealthy, that it will never work long term, and I myself wonder if I concede too much. But don't many friendships change when two people pair off to mate, to start families? It is not him, her, and the neighborhood, it's just him and her (or him and him, her and her). Should I let this bother me? Should my "friends" be so judgmental themselves? This person has become such a part of my life in a short period of time--all I know is that I would never want to hurt him by exposing him to such judgement... Today this was really bothering me, and he knew something was wrong, but he didn't push me to speak--he left the conversation open and gave me a long hug, kissed me, and told me I was his best friend, that I could tell him anything anytime. And this is where the universe has just given me the gift I have been asking for, someone who knows me, someone who truly loves me...Maybe I am just looking for permission to tell the rest of the world to bugger off, maybe I am scared I have got it all wrong, but I haven't felt this way many times in my life, like I would take a bullet for him, and it is hard to say that it is a mistake. If I give this up for the gift in the more nicely wrapped package, well, we all know how that has gone in the past...besides not good karma to resist the universe...turn down a gift and it may not be given again...

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Comments? Suggestions? Peace...

As I awoke in the arms of my sweetheart...

GeoTagged, [S39.06716, W177.79890]

Admittedly I am so sleepy this morning. Yesterday we made the hour drive down to Mahia, a peninsula south of Gisborne, for the celebration of a young woman's birthday. Charlotte is the sister of my sweetie's friend, a beautiful girl with a big smile and what seems a bigger heart. Yesterday was her 21st birthday and I had the privilege of partaking in the observance. Two dozen family and friends surrounded her and shared stories and love. She is part Maori, and that tradition was prominent in the day, an educational treat for me as a visitor. There was kye (food), drink, speeches, song, a lovely celebration that continued past the striking sunset, on and on until the orange moon rose above the horizon. The night was chilly and more layers of clothing added to keep the porch hospitable. Finally, tired from a long day, we moved to mattresses put out by the hostess and huddled together to stay warm. All in all a very special night. This morning we were awake by dawn, and drove down to the beach to scout seashells while we watched the sunrise. This place, this country, this ocean...truly amazing, truly beautiful...

This must be what heaven looks like...

Hard to believe I have only been here a month and a half...I have settled into somewhat of a routine, but contrary to my past life, it does not involve planning. Each day is a come what may, very stress free. I have had a chance to do some traveling outside of Gisborne, but not much as that would involve planning, which is contrary to my current philosophy. ;) I have made it down south to Napier, a lovely little tourist town in one of the many wine regions. Three weeks ago my godson's baby mamma made the hop over the ocean for a little girl time and we took my little Nissan hatchback down the coast. It is indescribably scenic and the first part of the drive to a peninsula called Mahia was lovely. In Mahia, we rented a cottage on a farmer's land for the night, completely isolated on a hillside looking out over the sea. Amazingly peaceful, but no provisions, and we brought little with us. Mostly we missed having libations to enjoy as we watched the water lap up against the rocks, so instead we went hiking and scrambling like monkeys down a cliff side to the ocean, scattering sheep in our path. Even interrupted a couple of the beast, uh, going at it! Hmmm, me big ram, see my horns...just kidding...Anyway, we had an amazing crayfish for lunch and the farmer brought us dinner that night, a lovely lamb dish and (finally!) a bottle of wine. Mmmm, slept so well!

The next day we continued our trip south. It was raining heavily, and the roads went from rolling to tight winding, one narrow lane each way, with large logging trucks barreling past. Remember, I am still new at this left sided driving thing, and my poor friend was terrified. By the time we got to Napier, we were both thinking about flying home! But we found a place to stay, wandered around the quaint town, and did some wine tasting, which calmed our nerves. Dinner that night was at a mediterranean fusion place, and after we took a moonlight stroll on the beach. Quel romantique! Yeah, my friend wouldn't let me hold her hand...;) The next morning, we were steeled for our drive home, dreading the distance and drama of that road. This time, however, the sun was shining and all was well. A brief stop in Wairoa for lunch at a great cafe (can't remember the name but it is right on the road), then home in time for dinner and a movie...

So the lesson today folks: New Zealand has beautiful scenery, much excellent wine and food, and terrible roads. May the sun shine for all of you this Mother's Day! Cheers...:)

Beautiful day here in Gizzy! The thick fog that we woke up to has slowly burned off and the sun is amazing. After a couple of weeks of shoddy weather, it looks like another reprieve before winter sets in. That is part of the reason for the absence of blogs--the other reason is that I have been having too much fun out and about! I actually have a, gasp!, social life! ;)

Don't get me wrong, I do work, but it is nothing like my past life. And when I am not working, there is enough to do to keep me out of trouble, surfing, wine tasting, eating all of the New Zealand goodies! Part of it too is that I have been so busy doing that I haven't sat down to do the thinking and writing..I think that is a good thing. Anyway, this entry is really for my benefit, to get me back into posting. I will upload more pictures and try to be more consistent, a promise to myself as much as anyone who follows this..now I am off for a surf while the sun is shining. Cheers, all! :)

Good week here in Gisborne. After a few days of relative isolation (lousy weather, getting dark early, most people have families), I am finally starting to settle in. Thursday was a wonderful turning point--the sun came out, I made progress on getting my luggage (still not here), AND I had my first surf lesson! It was so fun! One of the other docs set up a group lesson for six of us ladies--such fun girls to meet and play with. With wet suits the water was warm and the surf board made for an excellent body board. ;) Yeah, I did not get up on the board that lesson. I think the California surf instructor we had was more disappointed about it than I was! But there is always today's lesson...;)

By the way, this is a statue of Captain James Cook, the first European to come to New Zealand. The statue stands in front of Poverty Bay. Apparently when Capt Cook arrived on its shores, the native population appeared and its warriors performed a traditional dance. Having seen some of the dances, I can tell you that they are energetic, aggressive, and can certainly look fierce with bug eyes, tongues stuck out, and tattoos everywhere including around the mouth. Capt Cook either grew tired of it or mistook it as a threat and shot several of the natives. Not surprisingly, they refused to share provisions with the visitors after that, and Capt Cook thus named the location Poverty Bay. Ha, there is a lesson for you...
Met my neighbors this week, Carlee and Tim, two pilots newly relocated from Christchurch starting work in Gisborne. They have a very interesting story. They actually worked in Africa for 3 years flying there, training for triathlons, until a severe bike meets car accident sent them home. They graced my home last night and tolerated my cooking, which I very much appreciated. I also got a kick out of telling them about the town, me giving advice to newcomers. Becky would be proud--I've come so far in one week!

As for work, Friday was the first day I took on hospital duties. A couple of ceasars (c-sections), a patient on the floor, a retained placenta from a vaginal delivery (pronounced va GI nal). In the first week of orientation at the hospital, however, I have already seen more pathology than the last months in practice. Two postpartum pulmonary emboli, a recurrent ovarian cancer, dozens of brittle diabetics. Gisborne is a central medical center for its region, somewhat isolated due to geography and servicing a low socio-economic center. The facilities are nice, but not quite complete. Different specialized services, such as radiation therapy or oncological surgery, are referred to tertiary centers. Referrals are based on the district, and sadly that can mean one case gets taken care of in three different districts: for example, a Greenfield filter to be placed in one, chemo in another, radiation therapy in a third, and travel to any of these is difficult...not easy to coordinate, not socialized medicine at its best...As for the rest of our speciality, we are considered consultants. GPs in the community address everything and refer to O&Gs (Ob/gyns) only for a problem. With obstetrics, private and hospital midwives manage patients in the community and on the maternity ward, and we only see high risk obstetric patients and only do operative deliveries. So we take a day of call a week, then three speciality half day clinics, and an administrative day. There are meeting and non-clinical duties there as well, but a world of difference from my past life...

Well, daylight savings kicked in for us last night, so the clock turned back and it is only 8 am (five hours behind California, although a day ahead). So I have a whole fabulous sunny day ahead of me! I wish you all the same! Cheers!

Getting to know Gizzy...

Kia Ora! Hello from the island of New Zealand. I am happily settled in here in Gisborne (or Gizzy if you are familiar), and finished with my first day of orientation at Gisborne Hospital. It is also my first day on my own. And driving. Now that's scary...

But let's back up a few days first. I arrived in Gisborne from Auckland on Thursday. Now get this: I go to check in at the Auckland airport for my domestic flight on Air New Zealand, and I approach the automated kiosk. Here I get my boarding pass, AND it prints out the label for my luggage. Huh, interesting. I put my own label on, take my bag to the luggage conveyor, put it on the belt and proceed to security. No one checks my ID, no one screens my bag...At "security", someone looks to see that I am getting on the right flight, and that is IT. No undressing, no liquid check, no metal detector! Whoa...weird. Now that is laid back...

Friday for me, Thursday for most of you, was all about laid back. Slept in, unpacked my backpack (no luggage yet, still true today, boo...), and hung out with Becky, my predecessor. The apartment that I am staying in is on the wharf with a view of the bay. The big double sliding doors face south onto a balcony that wraps around, making breath-taking views of sunrise and sunset possible. In the small harbor, cargo ships come in one at a time and unload goods. This may sound very industrial, but it is actually very cool to watch, and it is impressive how quickly they get in and out. The little tug boats are my favorite and they dredge the waters day and night to smooth disruption from incoming river flow. A five minute walk puts you on Wainui beach, where we headed Friday afternoon to watch the O'Neil Cold Water Classic Surfing Championship. The sun was shining, and the waves were sick, and that is about all of the surfing lingo I know. I do hope to take a few surfing lessons this week, see how it suits me...

The city itself is small, with a one street downtown, shops apparently close before 6pm. There is some diversity of restaurants, but most people eat at home due to cost. There is a video store, a library, an indie theater, and a community theater, but not much more. There is a running club, a tennis club, horseback riding, hiking, surfing, swimming, essentially all things outdoors to make up for the slight paucity of indoor activities. Going to invest in some board games for the upcoming long winter nights...;)

Saturday and Sunday were lovely--some sun, some rain, a couple jogs on the beach. Saturday morning we hit the Farmer's Market, the hotspot for that time of the week, to shop for a little party at the apartment, a farewell/welcome party, since she was leaving. This gave me the chance to meet a dozen great people and their very cool kids, and to start sampling New Zealand wine. A blend I had not heard of before: Shiraz-Viongier. Can't wait to try it...

So now it is Monday...Becky caught a flight back to the states today, leaving me to my own devices. She did leave me well prepared, however. Still, the first time I hit the "driving on the left side" streets, well, let's just say that it was the riskiest and most stressful thing I did all day! God help those around me...I honestly want a sign that instead of saying "student driver", says "American driver"--that ought to scare people! I think tomorrow I will ride the bike to work...

Well, early to bed tonight...still trying to get my sleep pattern straightened out. Cheers to all...

Hello, loved ones! A quick post at this stop before heading to my final destination...

Sitting at a coffee shop in Auckland. Have an interview at 12:30, a formality really, then off to Gisborne. So far I am loving NZ. The people ARE really nice. The Auzzies were kinda assholes, pardon my French. I got off my flight yesterday with a migraine that only seemed to get worse (I was so miserable when I arrived in Auckland) and it seemed like the Auzzies just enjoyed pointing out when you did something incorrectly (no, the form needs to be filled out THIS way) instead of being helpful and understanding that I just wanted to vomit on them. The Kiwi's, however, were very sympathetic. I found it a good omen that I hailed a cab whose driver was Iranian and by the end of the ride he didn't even want to charge me the $78 NZD fair. Of course I paid him, but he really would have done it for free. "Gabelli nadareh". It made me feel better. On top of that, at the hotel, the hotel manager comes out to collect my bags while I am talking to the driver in Farsi. I walk into the hotel, and I have been given a free upgrade to a suite! I realized later by his name, that the hotel manager is Iranian too, and I was the recipient of cultural courtesy yet again! Amazing. There are maybe 200 Iranians in all of NZ and I have already met 1%...now I can't wait to meet the Kiwis...The suite was lovely, big and clean, and, praise God, quite. It had a balcony that looked out over a park below, a mini-Central Park in my mind. Mid-rises (not quite high rises) made up the land scape behind, and the sky was somewhat overcast, the air cool and fresh. Sadly I went straight to bed yesterday around 6 pm with the help of migraine meeds, and slept for 12 hours. At 6 am, I finally got out of bed. The sun did not rise for another hour (yikes, considering the days are only going to get shorter). I made a cup of coffee in my room, ordered up some fresh fruit and sat on the balcony reading the NZ Herald. Amazing how their scandals sound a lot like ours...;) Finally, a hot shower, clean clothes, and I stepped out to find a wi-fi hot spot... which brought me to, of all places, a Starbuck's. I have to laugh...this big change in lifestyle, and I still end up at a Starbuck's...some things will never change. Okay, that's all for now. I promise pictures later, but my phone battery has died and the converter I brought is all wrong. I am off to find one now...much love to all...:)

I am a Tough Mudder!

After 3 days in Atlanta, I am headed back to Sacramento for the last time before my trip to New Zealand, having accomplished the last of my "time off" goals: with the help of a great team, I competed in and completed Georgia's Tough Mudder race on Saturday!!! Over thirteen miles of mud running, obstacles, and straight forward HELL! I can't even sugar coat this--I am so happy that all of the people I tried to talk into this refused my offer, otherwise I would feel great guilt for their pain...The race started off normally, about 100 racers in our heat taking off after the national anthem, trotting through the woods, smiling, joking, anticipating. Then we hit our first obstacle, a cold river we had to wade across twice--no biggy, invigorating. Next, crawling hands and knees through pipes partially submerged in water that the twisted course designers ADDED ICE CUBES TO! Did I mention it was only 55 degrees at that time? But the adrenaline was pumping and we were doing this thing. The next two miles were intermittent hills and obstacles, obstacles including crawling under barbed wire, a water filled smoke house, through mud under nets, climbing steep mud hills, and others I can't remember. Then started the endless miles (seven, i think) through the woods up and down steep trail hills with tight switchbacks, so steep that the 4x4 aid vehicles couldn't have traversed them. I passed many, including two twenty something guys in tutus (the doublemint twins were my favorites) and was passed by many, including a woman twenty years my senior. Somewhere in there was a log carry. My left knee started to protest at mile 7, And when I arrived at the log carry, none of my teammates was around to share the weight with. Not much I could do, I picked one up and shuffled the quarter mile mandated, then dropped it and hit the hills again. I'm not going to lie, I really wanted to quit. After the woods was still four more miles of obstacles, including climbing over walls, greased monkey bars, smoke filled fire lined run, balance beam, a death march over more hills, and then a repeat of the first two mile loop, holy shit. After mile 10, I couldn't run anymore, my knee and hips hurt so badly. When we finally got to the last two challenges, I was so giddy to see the finish line, I didn't care anymore and certainly had no fear, which was good considering what these challenges were. First, run up a thirty foot platform (God, I hate heights), then jump in the freezing lake below and swim to the far shore. The key? Don't stop to think, something I seem to do well these days. ;). So I do this and come up for air after jumping in the lake. Problem. Water in my nose, and then in my mouth as the displaced lake water went in with my first breath. I kept trying to cough and clear my airway while paddling to stay above water, unsuccessfully. :(. Remember, this is the end of the race--I'm exhausted and this is not good. Finally, one of the lifeguards tosses me a rope and pulls me to shore. At that point, there was no macho part of me that would refuse that rope! I get to shore, and the finish line is right there...I just have to run through twenty feet of hanging electrical wire first! I am now shivering cold, starving, dehydrated, hit my wall three or four miles ago, so I just start to run, no thinking. After the first few shocks though I just froze in the midst of the wires, I couldn't take it anymore. "Go, go!" people shouted, and my last push got me across the finish. It was so demanding I just wanted to cry... It took me thirty minutes to stop shivering violently. Our entire team finished, including a team member who twisted his knee after mile one, our time just over four hours. We were later told that this was the toughest Tough Mudder yet. Part of me actually felt a sense of failure at the time because I did want to quit at the end and by then it was no longer fun for me. Today, I realize exactly what I accomplished, what fears I overcame, what pain I pushed through and I am proud to be a 37 year old Tough Mudder chic! And I was so glad to do it with such a great team--the people of "Kick A$$, Take Names" are the best! I am looking forward to sharing this experience with them again for the Tampa TM in December! That is if I can ever walk again--still a little gimpy today.;). For more details, "Like" Tough Mudder on Facebook and see the photos from the event. And call me if you are crazy enough to join us for the next one!!

Home again...

GeoTagged, [N25.78598, E80.28164]

Well, MIA has complete another successful medical mission in Jamaica focusing on gyn and primary care. Yesterday was supposed to be the last day in clinic, a clinic originally scheduled for Thursday. Because of a mix up, that wasn't going to work. In order to meet the need, the four team members remaining, 2 docs, a pharm D, and a non medical person, volunteered our day off (Friday) to go to this clinic and see patients. We were in the van, halfway there, when the community leader called our driver and turned us around. Apparently there had a been a shooting over night and because of the risk of retaliation, we were asked to stay out for our own safety. Unfortunate, but now we really had the day off! Our hostess graciously volunteered to drive us over the mountains up north to Annato Bay. There we visited Sommerset falls, a waterfall frequented by locals, and visited the somewhat rocky beach. Finally some sun! Returning to Kingston we were treated to more homemade Jamaican fare (jerk chicken and stew peas!). After dinner we went to a playhouse in New Kingston, where we saw a really funny murder mystery. The character actors were over the top! And there were several memorable lines that I'm sure we will repeat for a time to come ("Della, don't touch me there!"). And that was the finale. This morning it was up at 4am and off to the airport...
So here I am in Miami, almost done with a long layover. But before we jump to the flight, let me tell you about my fun here. ;)
I arrived very motivated to get some exercise, so I googled nearby gyms and took a cab to the closest. After being dropped off, I realized it was closed, so I walked half a mike to the next one, carrying my 20 pound backpack in the Miami heat. No luck, another one closed. So I gave it one more try, this time going a mile and a half on foot, only to be disappointed again. BTW, the app "dex" is NOT up to date in its search! So I gave up, and just as I was about to call a cab, my eyes set upon a small weekend farmers market going on across the street. Having plenty of time and loving being outside the airport for this long wait, I headed over. That was the right choice! There were all kinds of food, vegetables, produce, restaurant fare...I picked out a $0.50 homemade chocolate chip cookie and a BBQ pulled chicken sandwich for $5 and my lunch was set! Super nice people, too. So if you are ever in Coral Gables on a Saturday I highly recommend it...
Now back to the trip home...safe travels to everyone as always!

Medicine in Action...

GeoTagged, [N18.04594, E76.78646]

Jamaica, February 2011. The team has been here since last Friday, I arrived Sunday morning and spent the first three days in the OR. We've done a total of 22 major cases (hysterectomies, oophorectomies, myomectomies, pelvic floor repair). Many of these women have waited over 2 years for their surgeries and as a result they have significant pathology. 14 cm fibroids, 24-28 week size uteri. No malignancies so far, thank goodness. The clinic team has been seeing 40-60 patients a day in our make shift clinics. No OB on this trip. Today and tomorrow is clinic only, then back to the states. During these trips we stay at a convent in Constant Spring, an area of Kingston heading up to the mountains. The rooms are clean and comfortable with ceiling fans that mimic hurricane winds. Hot showers later in the day, we prepare our breakfast and lunch in a small kitchen at the end of the hall. Dinner is usually brought in for us but Last night we had a real treat--Dr. O, an MFM from Miami took us to Devon House for dinner where we had Jamaican favorites such as curried chicken, and escovitch. Every time I've made this trip, the group has been so much fun to spend time with and get to know. So many interesting stories! The Milner family that has done missions in India and Alaska, Dr. O who has done City of Hope and worked with groups in Africa and Afghanistan, Pablo who works in environmental education, David who does locums on Indian reservations in the southwest US...all of them are such great and generous people, God bless them...
I am truly humbled and motivated to contribute more due to their selfless examples. And, as always, a trip to the third world makes me appreciate what I have in my world! A blessed day to everyone :-)

The art of doing nothing...

Today I watched the sunrise in Miami. Two nights of inadequate sleep, one day of travel across the US, and somehow I ended up at a Marriott resort for the night, thanks to Priceline. Don’t know why, but I just couldn’t sleep despite the down pillows and comforter. Maybe excited, or nervous, about my trip to Jamaica? My trip to Atlanta for the Tough Mudder? My trip to New Zealand spending 6 months away from family and friends?! Too many possibilities…I need to slow down. Somehow I need to learn how to do that. The problem is that I get too excited about doing or seeing things, and when I have unfilled time I insert the activity first on the list. There is no “do nothing time”. Doing Nothing is truly an art. You have to actively release yourself from responsibility, plan nothing, and DO NOTHING. Of course, this doing nothing can be watching reruns on TV, playing video games if that is your thing, read a book for fun, or lay in the grass on a sunny day for an indefinite period of time (love the last one). I really thought I would be doing more nothing when I quit my job, but somehow I haven’t stopped running! I’ve been too busy doing nothing to do nothing! And what’s worse, to do nothing, I actually have to make it part of my schedule! Doesn’t that seem contradictory? So, yes, I need more practice at doing nothing…maybe I can fit that in next week…

So, at this moment I have arrived in Kingston and I am waiting at the home base for the rest of the MIA team to arrive. I am happy to see old faces and meet new ones, including finally meeting Debbie Chong who help to found the group. I am so impressed by what she has done with this organization. I don’t know yet what the schedule will be like for the week, but I am hoping for some OR time. All of my proctoring but not laying hands on a patient has made me itchy for direct patient contact and care, especially in the OR. Still, the point is to fill a need, so I go where they tell me. In the meantime, I am readying myself for the culinary delights of the trip: jerk chicken, festival bread, juicy patties, Devon House ice cream, super yum! A year and a half ago when I first came down here, I had no idea what all of that meant, but now I am well versed in Jamaican treats! Did I mention the rum and Red Stripe? ;)

Okay, I am off to do SOMETHING!

Oh, sh#t, I missed the chicken run!

Okay, okay, no idealistic political commentary, I promise. And I will save my diatribe on how healthcare is by necessity a socialist entity for another blog. Today's is just fun...mostly. So, I first started skiing when I was 21, and my maiden voyage was a Christmas holiday in Breckenridge, Colorado with my sister, and my good friend Taylor. We were there as guests of her family, and it was one of the best trips ever! I learned to ski, and despite being responsible for 100% of me and 25% of Taylor's dad--inside joke, but very funny if you know it ;)--I didn't break anything. I did, however, develop a health respect for the face of a mountain, specifically the steep face. :( After that I made a couple trips in college (does Michigan really count as skiing, though?). Flash forward to 2009, when after living in Tahoe's backyard for several years, I decided I needed to get back on the slopes. So, started heading up to Sierra at Tahoe on days off, and who would believe it, practice does pay off! I'm not saying I'm the next Peekaboo Street, but I was pleased at the progress. So along comes 2010, and I make it out to Steamboat Springs for a godson visit, and I am ready to hit the slopes. I am ready to show off my skills! Look at me, I can ski! Yeah, I was pretty annoying. So head up the mountain, fun day of skiing, and now it is time to come down. Now, this mountain actually has a gondola that takes you down. Of course, I am the big shot skier, and I don't need the gondola, do I? Wrongggooo. I got to the lip of the run and I looked down at the steepest face I have ever seen, I swear! Holy...so I started down the run, making it two feet before wiping out, admittedly terrified. The fact that I started to slide down the mountain sitting on my skis did not help. I managed to stop, but I couldn't get up without sliding again. I looked back up at the top and it seemed too far to climb to, and was doing my best not to look down. I wanted to cry, I was so scared. So I did...cry that is, for about a minute. Then I took a deep breath, pushed myself up, focused and slowly finished the job. I don't think that makes me special or gives me any fortitude, but it did prepare me for the next time something like that happened. Which was yesterday. Me, skiing at Red Lodge in Montana, last run of the day. I had taken the second lift to the top of the mountain and they had just closed the ski lift behind me. Okay, maybe not the best idea given that I seem to be barely above novice, but one of the lift operators told me there was a nice groomed blue run that could get me down. Well, I totally missed it. One minute there was a sign for it, next minute, I am heading down moguls on my first diamond run, EVER. Oh, how I envy those who make it look easy... Once again, I am starting down the run slowly (don't look down, don't look down), and of course wipe out. This would not have been a big deal--I've done this before, right? Focused and slow, focused and slow--except, the ski patrol was coming down the mountain behind me, making sure everyone is off. How embarrassing! Here, in my finest hour (whatever!), I am being escorted down the mountain by two ski patrolmen who are watching my ski, fall, get up, ski, fall, get up, all the way down this run, probably thinking "What a stupid novice! She should know better.." In my defense, I didn't fall too many more times, and the view alone made it all worth while... amazing, big sky country... :)

State of the Nation...

This post is obviously a few days delayed, but I thought last Tuesday's address by the president deserves comment. If you missed it, I will paste a link below to the NY Times full transcript of the speech--you should read it, ALL of it. First of all, BRAVO! I think it was one of his best speeches, appropriately outlining how politicians need to get their head out of their, ahem, hindsides... I loved that he did a throw back to the Kennedy era, a time of hope, a time when we accomplished great things as country by unifying. Ironically, that same day I was showing my godson a youtube video of a shuttle blasting off to the moon. This country did that--we put our resources where they would make the most difference, and obtained fantastic results. It required effort and sacrifice, but nothing good is every accomplished without those two things. And his point that the world has changed was extremely valid and important. Americans by definition are adaptable, hardy people, even if we sometime need a catalyst for change. The recession is our catalyst--life may not be what you want right now, it may be hard, it may be unpleasant. WHAT CAN YOU DO TO MAKE IT BETTER? For yourself AND your community?

Again, another Kennedy throw back: in order to "win tomorrow" what can you do for your country today? President Obama's speech carried this flavor throughout, and I think that is what a true leader does, motivates people to solve collective problems, not necessarily solve all problems for them. He had suggestions for solving problems, too, and they were intriguing. We will see what Congress does with them...I won't go through the entire speech, but I do urge you again to read it. I was going to further discuss the mention of health care reform, and (briefly) tort reform, but that is an entirely different post. Once again, thank you Mr. President for a good speech, and may it help motivate people to think collectively about what really matters.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/26/us/politics/26obama-text.html

Illusion Part Deux

Welcome to a winter wonderland! Having spent three days off the grid in Stagecoach, Colorado, I am now completely relaxed. For this, I have to extend sincere thanks to one of my best friends and the mother of my godson, Kimberly. I can impishly say I didn’t even get out of my jammies and warm fuzzy slippers one day as the sky lay down ten inches of snow. Neither did my godson, and much of the day was spent playing with trains, batman, and blocks. The boy, who hardly sat still, focused his energies on evading a nap and I, at times deceptively, worked on avoiding any viewing of Bob the Builder. We have watched both Madagascar movies, and Kung Fu Panda three times…I don’t know how his mother does it! Seriously though, I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn about kids. Directed at Julie: yeah, logic doesn’t work so well with three year olds either… ;)

Before heading up to the Steamboat Springs area, we spent a couple days in surprisingly warm and sunny Denver, the highlight of which for me was Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita is notorious for its substandard Mexican food, but sells itself on its dinner show. It has an elaborate cliff diving pool surrounded by “jungle” and lights, as well as a haunted cave, puppet shows, etc. What makes it special to me is that when I was a kid, my folks would pack me and my sister into our little two door Honda hatchback and make the LONG drive from Lawrence, Kansas, to Sun City, Arizona (God have mercy), to spend the holidays with the grandparents. Along the way, our tradition was to stop in Denver for dinner at Casa Bonita! The same show (and apparently the same food) is now being enjoyed by my little man! Kinda cool…J

Okay, just when you thought you would get off easy, I am going to devote some time to the conversation started in my last post: reality vs. illusion. My friend advocates illusion--this time, let's talk reality. I find it hard to believe that life is just a series of illusions we create for ourselves, if only because what do you call those moments between our created illusions. I am of the belief that there is such a thing as reality, but that it takes courage and strength to live within it. Reality is not an easy thing to face, because it means acknowledging how our perceptions can disagree with the perceptions of those around us. It requires taking responsibility for our actions and how they truly affect others. My friend, a brilliant psychiatrist, says that you can't really affect others unless they choose to be affected. The reality is, you don't know who chooses to be affected by you. You can be under the illusion that no one is affected, or that it doesn't matter, but that is not reality. Ah-ha! See, they are different, reality and illusion...It takes a degree of integrity to acknowledge reality, take it into consideration, and STILL build your own happiness (which assumedly was the goal of your illusion). Living in illusion might be easy but does not seem to take much courage...So, have some cajones, a vote for reality from me...;)

And from Great Falls, Montana, I bid you goodnight...

Life is but a dream, sweetheart...

GeoTagged, [N34.26903, E118.66431]

I have just spent four lovely January days in sunny, WARM, southern California, hanging with family. The economy is tough and stressors are magnified, but these people I love are still amazing and I am happy to see them. My cousin's daughter is a year a half, head full of curly hair, mouth full of teeth, and a wonderful cheesy smile! She is still so tiny, which is nice because I don't feel like she has changed so much since I saw her at Thanksgiving. My three year old godson, however, I haven't seen since July and he has changed tremendously. He gets on the phone and holds a conversation, ending it with "I love you, Auntie Shi Shi!", and I am ready to give him whatever he wants--my car, a kidney, whatever! Something about those kids...they diffuse my self-centered, self-indulging tendencies, AND make me feel secure. Yes, they make me secure, because as long as they exist, hope and innocence and unconditional love exist, and something in the world is right...
Okay, now that is not the main reason for today's posting, for me to go on about how children enrich my life. No, I want to finally put down an ongoing conversation about life's relationship to illusion and reality. This conversation started between myself and a good friend several years ago, and ultimately is the reason for the name of this blog--translates "I only want the truth". I can't remember the exact moment but a bottle of wine was involved and it started along these lines: my friend firmly believes that life is but a series of illusions we create for ourselves to make life tolerable, if not enjoyable. He states that there is no reality, nothing is real, and if it was, we couldn't handle it without losing our minds (enter Jack Nicholson voice "you can't handle the truth!"). Therefore, he believes you have to live in only the moment, not thinking as to how it may relate to other moments because they don't relate, it is just an illusion that they are related...hmmm, chew on that a bit...no, seriously, think about it because I have to end this post and counter it later, otherwise I will miss my plane to Denver to deliver my godson the boat he requested. Safe travels, all...;)

On the road again!

Yay! Hit the road Wednesday after a couple of weeks staying with my folks in Sacramento. Loaded gear in to the A4 Cab (finally sold the S5, thank God), and hit highway 5 going South. It's a beautiful afternoon, no traffic except for the occasional Winnebago. Just have to say, I love Winnebagos. I've never actually been in one, but what it represents in freedom has always excited me. Although this is tempered by it's gas guzzling tendencies, the symbolism remains. Okay, back to the road: rolling green hills on one side, vast flatlands broken up by orchards and aqua ducts on the other. Cattle going about their business. The sun is starting to set and a few stars appear in the twilight. My new tires hum on the road and nothing disturbs the peacefulness...

So where am I going? Another trip to LA, this time to see family. This is really the beginning of relaxation for me. Upcoming proctorships already set up, my own personal downsizing complete (house rented, appliances sold, only one car), planning already to sleep in tomorrow... Several people have asked if I am excited about my plans for New Zealand, and the answer is yes, but I really am not thinking about it. I am actually so excited about the today, the living in the moment, that I am not even thinking about the future. People ask what I am going to do after, and the answer is the same: dunno, we'll see! This is not something I have always done. I was by nature a planner--this will happen at this time, then this, and now I will plan for that. For the first time, I am taking things as they come, and loving how it all works out without my planning a darn thing!

Seriously, I have been having several Alchemist moments. For those of you not familiar with the book by Paulo Coehlo, the protagonist looks for his destiny, his fulfillment of his greatest potential, but shies away from it when he sees how difficult the journey might be. His fears make it hard for him to trust that the path that is truly his will present itself and everything he needs will appear. Finally, his non-destiny path becomes so difficult itself, he has no choice but to follow his dreams. I remember reading that book on my way to Barcelona almost 3 years ago, thinking that a story about faith and magic is so lovely, but not reality... And now, all I can say is change a few characters and you have my story--I have sold all of my sheep and I am getting ready to board the boat to another land, fulfilling my greatest potential.

Don't get me wrong, I sometimes still have doubts. I see all of my physician colleagues working so hard and I feel guilty, as if to really be an MD I have to continue to run that hamster wheel. If a tree falls where no one hears it, did it really fall? Was it ever a tree? If I don't work to the point of exhaustion and negative effect on my health, does that make me less of a doctor? Nope. I still belong to the club, I just don't visit as often. :)

In the name of hope...

Today I learned the identity of the 9 year old killed last week in the Arizona shooting, Christina Green. She was born on 9/11 amidst tragedy, and I know it has been noted already, but died in another senseless tragedy. Reading about her brief life moves me to write this, as she had already used her circumstances to encourage hope and humanity. This 9 year old had dedicated her short life to finding life's beauty, and my heart goes out to her family who will feel her absence everyday. In the interest of filling the emptiness created by her loss for the rest of the world, I want to ask today that we all pick up her banner, that we all look not to the tragedy but to the hope that still exists...Look to others with kindness today, consider how your actions will affect others in every aspect of your life. Think of how you can give, make a difference, bring light and love to those around you. That is where hope lies, that is what Christina Green stood for. That is what we should all stand for... Namaste...

Heaven...

GeoTagged, [N37.76282, E122.39640]

Okay, let's try this again...darn blog already erased itself once this morning!

So, I am in heaven...I am spending the morning in one of my favorite cities in the world, San Francisco, after having dinner last night with an old friend. Great conversation at Beetlenut over small plates and gin gimlets...fantastic! Admittedly my head is pounding this morning and my body is sore from crashing on the couch, but well worth it! Today, my friend is off to work and I am having breakfast from Hazels and coffee from Farleys on Portrero Hill...I'm in heaven...each day into this new year I feel more blessed and more alive, truer to myself, stronger than any force of nature! Maybe those are the workouts talking ;).
Anyway, my friend and I had this great convo on life, etc., that I hope to share, but right now, time to head home, get a medmal policy in place, and do my first proctoring job in LA tomorrow! Life is soooo good! :))

The year of the Nomad

I am so excited, I just don't know where to begin...I have deleted and rewritten this sentence ten times, so I will simply type without putting too much thought into it, God help the reader. Yesterday was the last day of a chapter in my life, as I finished working at a job that has pushed me forward and at the same time held me back for over 5 years. When I finished residency, I moved to California looking for mountains and oceans, taking a job with good salary and good benefits, and also a good amount of responsibility. I bought a house, because real estate had value then (big mistake, it was 2005 folks) and that's what you were supposed to do after you finished training--you settle down. I thought of developing a career and having a family, joining the society I didn't have time for when I was a resident. Over the next 5 years, I learned a few things about myself, however: I still didn't have time working at this pace, and I wasn't ready to settle down especially not here. Add that to the fact that the kind of "mate" I was looking for, wasn't the kind of person who would settle here as a single person. So why was I here? Well, did I mention the good salary? And the support system among my peers, the need to complete my boards, and honestly, my desire to not let anyone down, especially my partners. Then why would I leave? Well, decreased reimbursement, stress, anxiety, perceived lack of appreciation, and the isolation that a stressful, time consuming job can cause. Hate to say it, but I don't think I am the only physician who feels this way, and this is going to have a profound effect on the health care system in the next decade as physicians retire early, or do what I did--get the hell out! I realized that if I stayed, I would never feel a sense of balance or fulfillment. My health would suffer, my personal growth would stagnate, and in another 5 years I would look back with regret. Sooooo, I quit my job, paid the price for my freedom, sweet freedom, and I am outta here! Off to explore the world, other healthcare systems, other cultures, myself... Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained...

As an aside, I have to say that if you ever need an ego boost, leave your current home. I have never had such an outpouring of love, not to mention cake, from my friends, my patients, my colleagues at the hospital, the wonderful nurses and medical assistants that I have had a chance to work with over the last 5 years. I am so thankful to be blessed with these people in my life!

My best to all for a truly monumental new year! Watch out world, here I come...